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Blogging about polyamory, ethical-non-monogamy, and modern relationships | (He/Him) | thomashbrand.com | ko-fi.com/thomashbrand
A cartoon image of five people lying next to each other in bed. All of them are looking up at us with smiles on their faces.
nadia_bormotova | iStockphoto.com

“So, what how exactly does your relationship work?”

It’s such an annoying question, isn’t it? Not because it’s being asked. I will always encourage people to ask questions about unfamiliar topics, especially in areas such as polyamory, where too many people are unaware of the options and opportunities it provides.

No, the question is annoying because sometimes we just don’t know the answer.

If you’re new to the community, it can be hard to actually put into words what you want from polyamory (if you even know yet). And if you’ve been in the community for some time, it can…


A close-up of a pair of mouths, almost touching. The are silhouetted black against a sliver of white background between them. Their lips are parted, hungry, wanting to touch but held back.
jackfoto | iStockphoto.com

Sex parties. Such an exciting idea. Like-minded people coming together to enjoy sex in a new and thrilling way. Whether you enjoy watching, being watched, or simply revel in the shared sexual energy, sex parties are something many people fantasise about experiencing.

But if you’re planning to attend your first one — whether this be a big club night or a small, intimate party — I have one piece of advice:

Prepare to be disappointed.

Our first sex party

I remember going to my first sex party.

My partner and I were new to ethical non-monogamy and excited to begin exploring. We had discussed…


How often do you take an objective look at your relationship?

I’m willing to bet it’s not often. I mean, to be honest, how often do any of us? It’s not something we ever really do, is it? But I think that’s a problem. By not stepping back and taking a clean, dispassionate look at our relationships, we’re putting them at risk.

Because I can tell you one thing for certain; relationships take work, and if you’re not prepared to put in that work, well… we all know the saying about failing to prepare.

I want to take a moment to talk about risk management

Okay, so bear with me. I…


A man and a woman stand back to back, silhouetted against a dark orange, evening sky.
LittleBee80 | iStockphoto.com

Do you want to have a secure relationship?

Of course you do. Nobody wants to feel insecure about the person they are planning to spend the rest of their life with.

Okay then, let’s ask a different question; how do you know your relationship is secure?

This one’s harder to answer, isn’t it? How exactly do you measure feeling secure in a relationship? Is it the amount of time you spend together? How about avoiding arguments? Or could it be because what you have looks just like the representations of successful relationships you see in the media?

Well, those are…


gilaxia | iStockphoto.com

Last month, I went to a kink club night. That’s right, we went out! There was dancing, drinking, play-rooms, and getting the chance to see people I hadn’t seen in person since before Lockdown, or even in person! The kind of night out we could only dream of this time last year.

But can you guess what I enjoyed the most? The part of the night that made my blood fizz and my brain burn with intoxication? The memory that’s lingered in my mind ever since?

It was walking around on my own.

As Lockdown begins to ease, we’re all…


RELATIONSHIPS / SEX

A man and a women lie undressed on a bed together. The man in on his back, with the woman next to him with one arm and leg draped over him.
South_agency | iStock.com

I recently read a fascinating article by Ariana, about her affair with Kent, a man who couldn’t maintain an erection but still managed to sexually blow her mind.

Kent was a man who couldn’t get erect, no matter how aroused he became. But instead of letting that stop him, he not only gave her an incredible night of passion but also enjoyed every minute of it himself despite neither penetrating her nor climaxing himself.

But if neither of these things happened, was it really even sex?

Of course it was. But that’s not how we’ve been conditioned to think.

I…


A teenage boy in the distance looks at a teenage girl in the foreground. We can’t see her face, as she’s a distant figure he feels too shy to approach. He is alone, unable to speak to her.
bobbieo | iStock.com

My romantic life has been one of scarcity or abundance.

Today, I am part of the polyamorous community. I have an amazing partner, and also a large group of friends, some of whom I may or may not date in the future.

But it wasn’t always like that. I went nearly my entire teenage life without having a girlfriend. And even after that, I would have long periods between partners.

It’s only recently that I’ve fully realised why this was.

When I took my first steps into the dating world, I had a tremendous amount of success. …


A man with dark hair and a beard sits with a woman with long, red hair. They are eating and smiling at each other, clearing enjoying being in each other’s company.
iStock.com | svetikd

A little while ago, I was talking with some friends about the world of dating. It was a long and rambling discussion, as some of the best conversations with friends tend to be. But eventually, we hit upon the topic of how to best handle rejection.

More specifically, how to handle having a crush that is never going to go anywhere. Maybe the subject of your Crush has no interest in you. Or perhaps one or both of you are in relationships already and so are unable to explore those feelings.

And most of us agreed on the standard answers…


RELATIONSHIPS / POLYAMORY

Two men and a woman are naked in bed under white sheets. One man is white, the other black. The woman is white with red hair and glasses. They are clearly intimate, but laughing as if having a relaxed time.
iStock.com | photographer

Once more for the people at the back: ethical non-monogamy isn’t about sex!

I’m polyamorous because it feels natural to me. I don’t believe being in a committed relationship should mean closing myself off to other potential connections. Whether those connections are emotional, sexual, or some mixture of the two, they should be something I’m allowed to explore. And I believe that my partners should have the same freedoms.

It’s not about being able to sleep around with as many people as possible.

Right, have you all got that? Do you understand my point?

Great.

On a totally unrelated topic…


WRITING / PERSONAL SPACE

Photo credit: author

When I was put on furlough at the start of Lockdown, I was ecstatic. For as long as this lasted, my days were my own to do as I wished.

And that meant writing!

I was determined to make the most of my free time. Naively, I thought that I would only have a few weeks at most to enjoy this freedom, and I didn’t want to waste it. So I would get up each morning, keep regular office hours, and spend 8 hours a day working on my writing.

And so, on Day One, I sat down at my…

Thomas H. Brand

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